Don’t you hate it when you begin watching a movie that seems to be one thing but ends up being a whole other? Well guess what, this is what happened with this anime which seems to be epic fantasy when in reality it’s a sex comedy. Now I know what you will say, it’s right there on the title, isn’t it? Why would you not expect a sex comedy out of something called Maria The Virgin Witch? I don’t know, I was expecting lots of gore out of a show called Slayers and I never got that either.
Besides epic fantasy and sex comedy, this anime is also the animated dumbed down version of the story of Joan of Arc. There is a war between England and France that never seems to end, and a young woman makes it her life’s goal to return peace to the land. The fans of this show will insist on how this is what makes it mature. And I have to agree that when it comes to the cruelty of war, the depiction of warfare is portrayed quite well, with soldiers being afraid of incoming arrows, priests constantly using the names of saints to keep the morale up, looting of corpses, and raping of women. And it would be a masterpiece if the whole anime was about such stuff … but sadly it isn’t. The aforementioned scenes have a total screen time of ten minutes in the whole series, with the rest of it being sex jokes, and lazily presented social critique; because this is a modern anime aimed at virgin manchildren.
The worst thing about Maria the Virgin Witch is its homonymous protagonist; she exists to ruin all the good stuff. Not only she jumps in and constantly stops all the realistic battles with retarded deus ex machina magic, she also spends her free time talking about sex. And the worst part is, she never has any! Because she is a virgin, get it? Hahaha… But wait, even that is supposed to be part of the “mature” themes of the series. Maria is representing the naive ideals of humanism, where people can coexist in peace and harmony. She thinks that by breaking up the fights long enough, people will eventually give up on trying to kill each other. Her virginity represents her purity of thought and sex represents the harsh reality which will destroy her purity if she ever gives up. Ok, I understand that. So if she wants to remain pure, why is she STILL TALKING ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME? And no, she doesn’t make it seem to be an evil act either. She has the hots for a guy and she doesn’t think she will give up on her goal if he deflowers her.
And this is where the whole premise gets lame, since the show goes for a LITERAL divine intervention, by having one archangel putting a curse on her, forcing her to lose her powers if she ever loses her virginity. So much for subtlety in symbolisms. But wait, it gets even lamer. Since she can simply not have sex until her crazy goal is achieved, he also adds that he is going to take her powers if she interferes in a battle again. Something which she does a dozen times thereafter but still gets to avoid the punishment because the angels weren’t looking at her at that moment. Yeah, ok, thousands of people running away scared from summoned dragons with her sitting nearby, and none of the angels suspects anything. And don’t ever ask why the hell didn’t the archangel simply take her powers right away and be done with it. It’s because the show would end in ten minutes if he did.
It’s not like the set up of the story is bad; it’s the execution that makes it ridiculous. What could have been a show about medieval warfare and the cruelty of war, gets ruined by magic nonsense, and even the magic nonsense get further ruined by a completely retarded curse, based on sex, that never happens or even matters in the longrun. The whole show goes in circles by having her constantly stopping battles (and thus resetting any actual progress) and doing sex gags, up until the last episodes where everything goes to hell and you FINALLY expect her to realize that the world is not going to bend over to her childish tantrums. We get to a point where she gets captured, tortured, and sent to burn on the stake as a witch, while the city she wants to protect is besieged and people are murdered by the hundreds. And how is all this mess resolved? By using magic to escape and stop the war like she always does, and then giving up on her dreams because the archangel shows how many people are pissed with her meddling. Something he could have done since episode one, but hey, remember than we need to somehow fill a dozen episodes with sex jokes.
Aside from her, all the other characters are interesting and fun to follow. Ok, maybe that shota familiar that misses a penis is too much, but other than that they are all far more down to earth. We have peasants, and priests, and soldiers, and angels, all with goals of their own. Hell, there are even more witches like Maria, and unlike her, they are not being retarded. They use their magic to make a living, instead of ruining everybody else’s living. The show could have had anyone else as a protagonist and it would be infinitely better. But nope, we need sex jokes or it won’t sell.
Oh, and since I mentioned witches, this is another thing the series never bothered to explore. They somehow exist, they stick out by the way they cosplay, they have magic powers, and pop out at times to do stuff. No explanation if they are a different race, if they have a secret magic school, or if they have their own society. They are just there. Just like Maria’s motivation to stop the war. Do you know why she wants to do that? Because she was bullied and hated by everyone as a kid, and then her bullies died by a plague. What the hell, even the lamest sex joke in this show had more thought put into it than the protaginist’s motivation. And I can’t believe she gets away with it at the end, while the priest that wanted order and control turns into a freaking pillar of salt. Even the pay off is bullshit.
This anime is awful. The themes are interesting, the depiction of medieval warfare is great, and everything else is garbage. It can be very enjoyable, only if you are a pervert who loves bottom of the barrel sex jokes involving bestiality and invisible penises, and then tries to make it seem like it’s mature because there are two minutes worth of total screentime where the whole thing is a rip off from a Jean D’Arc movie.